Careful Considerations: Time, Creation, Reflection, & Happiness

For 6 months, I’ve tossed around ideas and articles to write. And for 6 months, I couldn’t settle on a single article that I felt confident I could express in the way that the topic deserved. And if that doesn’t capture how I’ve felt about everything lately, I’m not sure what does. So why resist? Why push for fully-formed, wrapped-up-in-a-bow creations? If all I’m getting is a snapshot of an idea, why not honor it? Why not put it out there and allow it to be built upon by time, matured thinking, and the contributions of others? If I may be allowed one takeaway of 2020 for this piece of writing, it’s that small steps forward matter. In fact, it is small steps that get us anywhere. When we allow the pressure of perfection to paralyze us, we risk never starting. And never starting is the biggest mistake creators can make. Growth, change, impact, whatever it is you’re looking for, requires a catalyst. And a catalyst, as in science and life, can create substantial results when just the tiniest amount of energy is applied.

In the spirit of celebrating small steps, having grace for ourselves, and the importance of thoughtfulness, here is the article I felt it appropriate to write.

Below, you’ll find vignettes of thoughts I’ve had throughout the year. No, they are not fully formed, and that’s okay. Each of these topics has demanded my attention, challenged my previous thinking, or simply arrived by circumstance. My hope is that writing will provoke continued meditation on such ideas and invite you all to join me in doing so. This is a bit of a reflection, pieces of current ruminations, and a seed for growth. 

Creation as Restoration

I've been returning to the idea of creation as restoration lately. Meaning, the act of creating itself has healing properties. It's been so long since creating artwork hasn't been required of me (commissions, school, etc). Thus, I'm finally reclaiming it and allowing myself to enjoy and experiment with it again. One way I've done this is by writing poetry. I used to write years ago, but that fell by the wayside. Fine art has always been my primary art form, but because it has been a source of income and my field of study, I can't seem to create without expectation that my work meet a certain standard or perform to a certain end. Poetry is the one art form I practice that is unencumbered by presumption. Even the way that I write poetry diverges from the way I approach anything else in life. Everything I do is thought out, planned, and edited often before it even leaves my head. With poetry, I allow myself to freely fill the page with prose, scribbling ideas in the margins, leaving my options open. This type of creation is the most restorative. We are so hard on ourselves. We need an outlet free of even our own judgement. Painter Modigliani said, "the function of art is to struggle against obligation." We can all afford to practice something in which we can shed off all the obligation we wear. 

 And while I’ve been practicing this as an individual, it is even more powerful when applied collectively. Art as restoration takes on a whole new significance when done on behalf of community. This was recently evidenced by Amanda Gorman reading her poem “The Hill We Climb” at the Biden inauguration. Within 5 minutes, Gorman and her work of art transfixed America, casting a vision of what it could look like to heal as a nation. Her poem did not purport false idealism as a ploy for unity. She acknowledged the truth of a broken nation that requires the hard work of seeking justice. She gave a glimpse of the beauty possible if the effort was pursued. She told a holistic story of where we are, where we’ve been, and where we can be by using her art as a call to action. Her poem held honesty, pain, vision, hope, so much more within it. Only art can tell stories like that. Only art can present healing truths by demanding our attention, our understanding, and our action. Her poem was a salient reminder that creation is a necessary function of a healthy society. Without it, we don’t heal. 

The Scarcity of Time

In August, when I officially stopped looking for a full-time gig so I could concentrate on my own business, I found myself struggling with a lack of structure. While I had a lot of ambition, I didn't have the focus or clarity to match it. I had too many ideas but no direction, making it hard to feel like I was truly moving the needle any which way. Then, I started a contract job to supplement my income. That flipped a switch that made me value my time so much more. When a large part of my working day had to be dedicated elsewhere, I became hyper focused in my downtime.

I'm attributing this to the "scarcity of time." By having my time limited, I was forced to focus. The “scarcity” of my time reminded me of its value, pushing me to use it more wisely. As someone who is creative, I want to deny the need for structure or limitations, but I can't. On the contrary, creativity needs structure. Time scarcity is a big motivator. I’ve found that to be an interesting testament to the usefulness of pressure when applied appropriately. Emphasis on appropriately. Scarcity can also induce anxiety. 

 I’m now several months into this contract role. I have gained clarity on creative projects and the business I’d like to pursue. This new sense of direction has made time scarcity feel threatening.  I feel the weight as each day passes and a majority of my time is devoted to someone else’s vision. I consider these quotes about creativity and what it means to neglect the pursuit of it:

“Unused creativity is not benign. It metastasizes. It turns into grief, rage, judgement, sorrow, shame.” — Brene Brown

“The most regretful people on earth are those who felt the call to creative work, who felt their own creative power restive and uprising, and gave to it neither power nor time.” — Mary Oliver

While these sentiments are specific to creativity, they also apply to purpose or vocation, generally. When we feel called to a certain type of work, especially creative work, and we do not act on it, we are “slaughtering our finest impulses” as Henry Miller puts it. Neglecting these impulses is a risk. First, it’s hard to feel content or fulfilled when you deny yourself following the path you feel called to. This leads to the emotions that Brene Brown details. While rage or sorrow may sound extreme, they can manifest in subtle, yet destructive ways. Second, purpose-driven work is often generous. To ignore your purpose is to deny the possibility of creating in service of others. All of this to say, it hurts when we can’t (won’t?) direct our time towards our calling. There is a heaviness that won’t be lifted until you start that pursuit. As I’m in this limbo stage of contract work and personal projects, I’m doing my best to use the scarcity of time to my advantage. While each day is a struggle against the burden of “unused creativity,” each day is also an opportunity to take those small steps in the direction of meaningful creation. 

In the last 6 months, I’ve experienced both sides of the time-scarcity coin. On one hand, the scarcity of time makes us value it. On the other, it saddles us with a pressure and anxiety to do more. I do think there is a healthy fear to be had around time-scarcity. In some ways, I think we should feel vulnerable to the idea that our time is limited. I’m not advocating for living in fear of death or that you’re never doing enough. Rather, I posit that holding a healthy understanding of time allows us to take advantage of it with an appropriate sense of urgency. If we are operating on the basis that time has value, we will be less inclined to waste it. Thus, we won’t feel as threatened by the passage of time because we are already being intentional with it. It’s circular. The more you take advantage of time scarcity, the less it threatens you, and the less you risk denying yourself the creation you should be pursing. 

The Importance of Self-Reflection

 What is the purpose of thinking critically about ourselves? Perhaps, many of us have had more time (or more cause) to do so this year. Often “reflection” activities can be easily skipped, dismissed, or ridiculed. I want to argue for the value of reflection by first asking, to what end do we self-reflect? Ideally, for betterment. Of ourselves? For sure. Of others? If done well. My purpose of self-reflection is to hold a healthy understanding of my thoughts, beliefs, and values so that I can navigate my decisions and reactions. Which brings me to my next thought…

 You know that feeling when someone else succeeds, hits a milestone, or posts some sort of achievement on social media and you just feel a pang of sadness, envy, whatever it may be? Instead of celebrating that person’s achievement, you feel as though their gain reveals where you lack. While this comparison game is dangerous, it is also insight that we should not ignore. 

This scenario calls for self-reflection so that we can identify when those pangs are silly and when they can teach us something. If I know that I don’t want to be working a 9-5, why should I feel bad when a friend posts about their new job? It’s incredibly human to feel compelled to compare ourselves to others. Let’s acknowledge the feeling but be quick to question it. Adam Grant, in conversation about his new book Think Again, suggested that our emotional reactions are “first drafts.” They are not the final copy of our view of reality. Rather, they require consideration, criticism, and deliberate editing. If I think I feel envy about a friend’s job, what can I gather from that? Especially if I know it’s not the 9-5 I want. Enter reflection. Perhaps, the real feeling is a desire for income stability or disappointment about a lack of career progress or a general discontentedness. If we stop at face value—at our first reaction, we do ourselves and others a great disservice. We won’t be able to move past a false belief to address the cause of our unease. Thus, self-reflection is one of the most powerful tools we can harness to progress in both our own pursuits and our relationships. It allows us an honest evaluation of our circumstance and the opportunity to do something about it. As I mentioned earlier, change requires a catalyst. Reflection leads to a knowledge of self that allows for a catalyst to be revealed. This empowers us to use negative emotion and comparison as redirection.

The Pursuit of Happiness?

“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it difficult to plan the day.” — E.B. White

About a year ago, I read Adam Grant’s book Originals and I am stilling thinking about the last paragraph of the book. He starts off with the quote above and then goes on to discuss the line in the Declaration of Independence that promises the rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. For many, enjoying the world as it exists is their pursuit of happiness. Yet, others make the choice to temporarily sacrifice happiness in an effort to improve life and liberty. This chance at bettering the world is where their satisfaction lies. This is the difference between the “pursuit of happiness” and the “happiness of pursuit.” While the latter may have to struggle against the grain and give up some of the world’s pleasures, they are the ones that will ultimately create a more enjoyable world.

 These sentiments have stuck with me. I cannot help but feel the tension E.B. White hints at. As an artist, I know that slowing down to take in the world and enjoy what it has to offer is vital to creative practice. I know that some of the most valuable time spent is that in nature, surrounded by loved ones, and sheer presence. Yet. My ambition outweighs that knowledge. More often, my desire to improve the world wins out over my desire to enjoy it. Reading that closing paragraph of Originals, I felt so understood. I feel most at home with myself when I’m on a growth and creation trajectory. In recent years, I’ve come to recognize that lack of pursuit, for me, is a sign of unhealth. It’s an indicator that I’m not doing what I need to, and it displaces my sense of self. I have a deep-rooted desire to create impactful work (businesses, art, writing). I truly do find happiness in pursuit. And Grant is right that it comes with its fair share of sacrifices. At times, I’ve wondered whether those sacrifices are worth it, especially given the value that slowing down to take in the world as it is can offer. I’ll also admit that I’ve abused “pursuit,” allowing it to harm my health, relationships, and other things I hold dear. Therefore, I do think there is room for balance in the dilemma that Grant and E.B. White present. 

To be in a constant state of pursuit is not sustainable. For one, it discounts the value that interruptions and a change of pace can offer. As I mentioned, reflection and rest is vital to creative practice. Anyone who works can benefit from taking a step back to evaluate and re-evaluate their progress. Without this step, the direction of pursuit is haphazard and baseless. What’s the point of creation if you aren’t actively reassessing the purpose and effectiveness of your creations. Secondly, continued pursuit is just plain unhealthy. Ask any entrepreneur this. You. Will. Burn. Out. No matter how happy you are in a state of pursuit, you still need rhythms of rest. The rest is what allows for the emotional space to create and for the joy of pursuit to be appreciated. 

You cannot improve the world if you do not take the time to enjoy it. I’d also argue you cannot enjoy the world if you don’t know what it is to make it even just the smallest bit better. So, when you plan your day, plan for both. 

Written February 2021